Shame and Pride

I found myself journaling this morning about the insidious presence of Toxic Shame in my life. My default position is feeling horribly ashamed of myself. I look wrong, act wrong, feel wrong, speak wrong. I make wrong decisions, and then react wrong. When I was abused as a kid, I knew somehow that it was wrong on their part, but carried the Toxic Shame anyway. But I realized this morning that ever since I cheated on my boyfriend in college, I’ve compounded that shame to an expert level. It doesn’t matter that I asked for (and received!) forgiveness and have made amends in many ways — ever since then I’ve felt at some hidden level deep inside that I deserved some sort of ongoing punishment. And Toxic Shame is one terrific punishment.

Pride is important because it's the opposite of Toxic Shame. Shame is not always toxic — it’s actually incredibly helpful when we have done something wrong that needs confession, forgiveness, and/or making amends (like cheating on your boyfriend.) In fact, it’s how we’re supposed to feel, and those who don’t feel shame in those circumstances we call Sociopaths. But we're not meant to carry Toxic Shame, and we're certainly not meant to carry any Toxic Shame that others have foisted upon us. That's why it's important for my LGTBQ+ sisters and brothers to celebrate Pride, this month and every month.

But it’s equally important for us to contemplate all the ways in which people have forced Toxic Shame upon us: for being female (or male), for being a certain skin color, for being too smart or too slow, for being too tall/short/skinny/fat, for liking (or disliking) certain things, for having (or lacking) certain talents, even for just being victims of their abuse — for being or wanting anything at all that is simply a manifestation of Who We Are. And the reason we need to hand that Toxic Shame back to the people who dumped it on us is that IT KILLS US.

We are meant to be alive, in ways little and huge. We are meant to be exactly the person we were created to be. We are meant to do the things that captivate our minds and hearts.

I need to be myself. To do all the things. To celebrate myself. To celebrate my Pride in the amazing human being I was created to be. To ask for forgiveness when I need to, make amends, and then drop the shame — all of it — and just be the child of God I am.

I am loved.

As you are loved.

Peace to you!